He Loves me he Loves me NOT

Wish I could just pick the pedals off a flower and have the true answer that I could believe in my heart. I am so confused as to what to truly believe. It has almost been a year and I find myself wondering is it true or is it a matter of not wanting to be lonely or hunt for another women. I know I do not want to hunt for another man I love the one I have but there are issues my mind just can not get past. They block my true happiness because the wondering is driving me crazy...will it happen again, will i ever be enough for him, do i really satisfy him, if so can i continue to satisfy him, will we really ever get married, the question for that is am i capable of ever being a wife again???? I hate to fail and I really failed my first marriage. Who says I could get it right this time. In my heart of hearts I'm not sure i should even be pondering these thoughts because I truly doubt Jesse will ever marry me anyway. I have lost my trust in him that has taken me some time to build because I have been screwed over so many times in my life. Small lies mean the same to me as huge lies. Jesse says I need to stop running, when do I know I have run to the right place. I don't like the risk I am taking with my heart. Putting my heart on the line has never proven smart before. If I don't look to my past to guide me to my future I am blind and stupid!

Almost A Year !!!!!

Well I have almost spent a year of my life with Jesse and though there have been more than a few ups and downs we are still together. So if he can handle me for a year god only knows if he can do it much longer. The world knows just how difficult I can be. HeHe!!! Although my side of the relationship has not been all roses either don't get me wrong jesse not an angel either.

It's Friday- nothing has changed

Well its Friday not that that is going to help any if people do not get out of their homes and go out. My cab business is very slow right now and could really use a good pick up before all the holidays decide to come around. Thank God i did most of my x-mas shopping in October. I was actually thinking ahead this year. Yep Angie will not be stalking the shelves this year at last minute trying to figure out what to get people. One thing off my list, now on to the 999 billion other things i should get around to doing but don't. Lack of interest or motivation could be the problem there. Imagine that. i have lost both since I got with my new man Jesse just over 11 months ago. His laziness has worn off on me. I got to figuring if you can't beat them might as well join them. I'm not sure they like the me joining in part but oh well.

My Bestfriend named her baby after me!!!!

I am so very excited!!! Tracy my bestest Bestfriend since age nine and the fourth grade just had baby number 5 on November 11, 2008 and named her Ziana Angelina Olson. The Angelina is from me!!! It should still be my true real first name if my mother would not have been so crazy to change it. Duh what was she thinking not sure then as I am not sure these days either. Although I have heard the name more frequently over the years it still does not give me comfort.

Update from the bipolar express that feels like a train wreck

Well a lot has happened since I was last able to blog and I am sure I will leave a lot out. Drama with a capital "D" could best explain these past six months. Never a dull moment when you got so much of it lurking around!!! I no longer "Dance" at Chills and Thrills although that may have not been a respectable four months of my life it sure was entertaining for me. It did not leave me lonely or bored, or depressed for that matter as so many parts of my life have. I started the job and had a boyfriend named Aric that turned into a definite train wreck from the get go. We moved in together and that was the first mistake of many to come. He became an obsessed boyfriend with having to have my every attention 24/7. I told myself everyday that this was what I wanted and it would all turn out great. WRONG!!! I left the job two weeks after meeting what I want to say is the love of my life and my last and only man. Yet I hesitate to say that for sure. Jesse is a great man in his own way. They say opposites attract, and that is sure what has happened all my life up to this point. Always attracted to the most opposite man from my qualities. Most would say what one lacks in one department the other completes. I am not so sure that is the case. I am happy to an extent but something is missing. I am not willing to be a made or a waitress and yet I find myself always doing shit I do not want to because the man is begging so he don't have to do shit himself. It gets old and all it does is cause me to have an attitude and resentment builds towards him. I look at it as if you don't want to do something then you may as well be thinking I do not want to do it either or for you. I am an independent type and always have been while my man is way more the dependent type. I'm calling him dependent while others would just flat out call him lazy.
I do not have a steady life here in Iowa. I have yet to really establish a home for my children. Jesse has room for himself and his two kids but there isn't room for me let alone my four kids. Seems like it will never be a real home together. Some days I just want to give up because I have accomplished so much more on my own than I am as a other half to a man. I don't know what is going on with me but somewhere along the way I have lost focus and determination that I once had plenty of. I have almost given up on the idea of ever really having a true home again. Just kinda float as best I can through life until my time comes to finally rest. Or end up on my own once again and really start a home life for my kids. I think somewhere along the road I started to put to much emphasis on my happiness alone since I couldn't have my kids with me that I kinda adjusted to just me and have a hard time getting things moving this time around to adjust to needing room. It has a lot to do with striking it out on my own in a new state also. Not really knowing anyone but having no real options of where to go when I left Kirksville to be safe. Feel into the wrong mans arms and turned down a different path than what I was originally on. I lost my focus and will have to make a choice here real soon as to what I am going to do to make things happen in this relationship or become my own companion to get my life straight like I did last time 5 years ago.
Five years ago it was hard but i changed everything around that was going so wrong in my life. I am almost 30 and have yet to begin a true life.
The kids have all gotten very big. Melvin now 12 has gone through a lot of changing on me. There for awhile he did not speak to me (about 5 months) he got very upset with me and was being brainwashed by his father...imagine that. Now he is doing good and doesn't hate me at least. Says he will come to see me on the next visit because he stopped coming on those when he was mad too. He's doing good in school, for the most part he likes living in Hannibal, Missouri since he is close to his cousins. Is going through puberty and his voice is getting very deep. Makes me want to cry since I have missed out on sooooooo much.
Selena now 10 hasn't changed at all, still loves to talk and be the center of everyone's world. Everything she has to say is breaking news. Talk about gossip queen. She is doing great in school and has participated in a lot of after school clubs and such. She seems to stay pretty busy. Thinks it is hilarious when i explain to her she will not have children till she is 30. She just doesn't know what I am going to do when she turns 15....lock her away from the world!!!!
Robert now 8 is great. Doesn't think school is the greatest but is doing well anyway in his subjects. He is like the class clown that never does anything wrong. In his eyes!!! He is still my shorty but i really don't want that to change..Someones got to keep me company in the shorty department.Ha Ha. Melvin done past me up two years ago.
Brianna now 6. well what can i say about my little mouth!!! If you can say something better make sure you got a come back ready because she is prepared for any and all debates. She is 6 gong on 16! She still to this day sounds like a chipmunk over the phone and it is soooooo cute. She always has conversation even when you think she done talking she will start off with something else. She thinks because she is 6 and the youngest she has a whole other set of rules. Yeah she wrong. She just cut her hair off and she looks cute but i just never imagined she would chop it so short. She loves it so I ok with it.
As for me I am now 29 and definitely ready for another break down. I will no longer be celebrating my birthdays anymore. i will never be 30 NEVER. I have gained too much weight again and hope to get off my ass and make that change soon. Yeah I keep talking about it but it just seem like a lost cause these days. If my house don't need to look good i guess I don't really either. I give up on keeping the house clean because it is beyond a losing battle. May as well do that for the fat butt I got too!!
Halloween was good for the kids. They all reported getting a bunch of candy. I missed it like everything else. Melvin did not wish to dress up this year as he didn't last year either. I think he thinks he getting too old for that stuff. Both the girls were witches and Robert was a ninja. They looked good.