He Loves me he Loves me NOT

Wish I could just pick the pedals off a flower and have the true answer that I could believe in my heart. I am so confused as to what to truly believe. It has almost been a year and I find myself wondering is it true or is it a matter of not wanting to be lonely or hunt for another women. I know I do not want to hunt for another man I love the one I have but there are issues my mind just can not get past. They block my true happiness because the wondering is driving me crazy...will it happen again, will i ever be enough for him, do i really satisfy him, if so can i continue to satisfy him, will we really ever get married, the question for that is am i capable of ever being a wife again???? I hate to fail and I really failed my first marriage. Who says I could get it right this time. In my heart of hearts I'm not sure i should even be pondering these thoughts because I truly doubt Jesse will ever marry me anyway. I have lost my trust in him that has taken me some time to build because I have been screwed over so many times in my life. Small lies mean the same to me as huge lies. Jesse says I need to stop running, when do I know I have run to the right place. I don't like the risk I am taking with my heart. Putting my heart on the line has never proven smart before. If I don't look to my past to guide me to my future I am blind and stupid!