Christmas 2008

Well I finally got to have time with my kids for Christmas. A couple days late but they were pleased with what they got this year and that makes me happy because I stressed over it for quit some time trying to figure out what to get them. Met them down in Kirksville, Mo and borrowed a friends home to open gifts. As if presents weren't enough we went out shopping afterward. Here are just a few pics of the kids. The boys were very happy they got new clothes of all things and the girls well, Brianna was overjoyed at another Bratz doll, and Selena of course liked her make-up.

Finally gonna get to empty my trunk!!!

Yep I am finally gonna get to get my kids Christmas to them. Saturday at some point anyway. Have had it in and out of my trunk for the past two weeks trying to figure out when and where to get it to them. They will actually be in kirksville this coming weekend to spend time with their old foster family and I am going to be able to steal some of that time. At least long enough for them to get their stuff and hopefully open it with me. Now that is the only part of Christmas that gonna really mean all that much to me this year because the holidays are meant for family and my kids are the only true family I have these days. Borrowing time with Jesse and his family is just that Borrowed! I do appreciate the invites and all but when it come down to it if my kids are not with me what the point. The holidays are just over glorified anyway these last god knows how many years. I could get by without celebrating at all and be good.

Jesse Loves me more than I would ever have thought!!!

It is so hard for me to see the love that Jesse has for me and there are probably good reasons for that. I have never had it before to count on it being there. All i have had is bites and pieces shown throughout my life and wasn't certain it was real. I am still not certain. Which if I am completely honest maybe that is what is happening now too, I want to believe it is there so badly that maybe I take things to mean more than they do. I do not understand his love, I am sure I do not deserve it. I have treated him so badly for the past I'm not even sure how long. I hurt his feelings and try to push him away. Funny thing the harder I push him to walk away and try to prove to him he can do so much better the more he just stands there and loves me regardless. It scares me kinda. I do not want to disappoint him but I have to be. There is no way he could be content with me the way this Bi Polar goes up and then down. The down for me this time has been very extreme and I know it is still there but I am trying my hardest to pretend to be happy go lucky for the world to see as usual. It has been a challenge this time. I just feel that death would be the greatest gift for me. It would be eternal peace and no more ups and downs and dragging those around me through it all. I do not want my Bi Polar to affect others. It is me and I have to get through it or end it all. Ultimately it is my choice. Kinda weird how he gets me to think even when death is all I got on my mind. He got me laser cut diamond earrings for x-mas that say I love you. He thinks I do not like them. He just don't understand that the feelings I have are those of a person almost dead inside and I just don't have it in me to be real cheery.
I did finally tell him what my life long dream was--to be a wife and mother. I explained that it was taken away from me by the asshole, it was given to me by mark but wouldn't work, Aric wanted it but he wanted to push it on me, and so I gave up on that dream. I can not fully see it ever happening and so therefore stopped dreaming and wishing to have it. When he gave me the diamond earrings (which diamonds are forever) I really didn't know how to act, or what to say. I asked him if he had the receipt- my mind still is focused on death for the most part after all. It hurt him that I was not bragging about them to people, but how do you brag about something that means so much and have feelings of not being the forever. He irritates the hell out of me some days and yet I love him regardless. I do also hold resentment toward him for things that have happened in the past and have not been able to get fully past all that. I know if we are to truly move forward I will have to but I will need time and space to get all that out of my head. Of course for it not to happen anymore either and to truly believe it. I can not trust it yet to be over. He thinks the things I have complained about are small and shouldn't mean so much but for me that is impossible. Bi Polar feels way too much all at once and nothing at the same time. I block my feelings and just turn it to anger. When he said he would marry me to sign me out of a mental institute I felt crushed at a time I was already crushed. There was nothing more to it, no I wanted to do this anyway just not at this time, no on bended knee, no life long promise. Jesse lacks romantic completely and he knows that. Thank God he at least notices he doesn't have the ability to be romantic. I would seriously be hurt if he just pretended to have feelings that are not true. That keeps me wondering.

12-22-08

Took a trip to Kirksville today. Wasn't lucky enough to get run over and killed in either direction. Darn. I am disappointed.

Is life worth living

I seem to think somewhere along the road that I call my crazy life I lost my way and never really got around to what I am supposed to do with myself. Not too sure some days who I am, not sure some days if I want to even get out of bed for not knowing what the day will bring and whether it will be good or bad, I want to hide from the world a lot of the time yet I have a company in the public eye, Want to just plain give up the air I breathe in exchange for peace- eternal would do me just fine. There are some that view me selfish but those same can not truly understand my despair for life feels sucked out of me and I have been left a shell to function in daily but suffer in at same time. Functioning is a pretend scene because no one wants to see a lost crazy person for who/what she truly is.... nuts, unpredictable, undetermined aside from death, depressed, hopeless, lost, insane, sense of no fear, numb to many feelings, thoughtless, unforgiving, and so much i can not describe because I feel everything and nothing at once. It is overwhelming and hard to deal with. I do not know what to do with myself, I feel like crying most of the time but have to hide that and when i do have space to cry I don't have tears half the time. I'm tired of the sorrow, the sadness, the despair. I want peace. I need peace, I deserve peace. I will get peace if it is the last thing that I do I will make peace possible. Everyone deserves peace and I will get mine. A matter of time....that's all.

Jesse seems to think it will all work out ok

He so very wrong. If it was ever going to work out living with Bi Polar Disorder then it would be working now. Not falling back into relapse of crazy. He the crazy one too- he say I marry you so He can sign me out of the nut hut. Now if that isn't the worst reason I have ever heard for getting married. No I love you, no this is what I was planning in the future or nothing... just i marry you so you have family to get you out. Real nice huh. That what I thought. I would be so stupid to marry the man I do in fact love and would if I could spend the rest of my life with, yet he only want to so I not get locked up in nut hut for the rest of my life they will make me lead. I do not want to marry him for that it is so wrong to marry if you got a man like jesse who not a commitment kind of guy.

It won't go away

I want this feeling to leave if only for jesse but it won't. It is there in the light it is there in the dark. I can't hide from it I am tired of trying. I wish it would just leave me alone. I am hurting jesse by being so hard toward him but he won't let go and he has to. I am not out to hurt him I love him more than my life i just handle handle my life. It controls me. It consumes me. It has already destroyed me. I am no longer good to/for anyone, I do not want them to look back at this time and regret being there but they will. No one can save me I am LOST.

I am under house arrest and cab arrest

Oh how my life has spun out of control and now I have a warden who thinks he can control it for me. What a joke that is. He just doesn't realize that when my time to leave this god for saking earth comes there is no stopping it, there is no controlling it, there is no preventing it. It will happen exactly as I have planned and that is that. I am tired of waking up everyday, going to bed every night. What I want the most in this world is eternal sleep. When I set my mind to something or my mind gets set beyond its own control that is how it will go. I am not scared of death, I am not scared of shit. All i want is the peace that has not been in my life for so long I can not even count the time line anymore. All I know is there has been so much sorrow in my world since birth and not enough happiness for the world to look even half bright to me. It sucks living in a world that has hated you for so long. I hate back and that is my prerogative in this world. I have done my part to contribute to this world and we over populated anyway. Must I say I am helping earth more than anyone knows. At least I am doing something to help after all. i no longer believe that there are medications on the market to fix, prevent, deter, my thinking anymore. I don't want them to. Now I have a man that says he loves me but doesn't even understand me aside from the Bi Polar. Explain to me how that is possible. It isn't he just won't listen. Don't get me wrong I Love him more than I have ever loved another man, but come on that don't mean he is going to protect the unprotectable. He is so able to let me walk away from the relationship as long as I promise or he feels I am going to be safe. Well let me tell you I can pretend for as long as it takes to get clear. This is set in motion it is my destiny. He should spend his time worrying about his kids and finding a replacement as a women instead of all this. It would be more productive in the long run. Trying to stop what you can not is not productive it is selfish. He like others have said that I am the one being selfish but that is not true, or maybe it is. I don't care it is my life to chose what to do with it, no others. No one lives the life I do, no one has lived through the things I have with my life, no one should care. They do not have to care. It is not necessary. If life could be grand and normal as everyone else seems to think is possible then answer me why god punishes me so. God would not make me suffer that is not what god is suppose to do with people. Suffering is not living it is what it is just suffrage for those who do not have the guts to do what needs to be done. I am not scared and my guts are in place to do what will make the world- my world a better place. Eternal sleep is not a bad thing. I happen to believe it is the best, the only, the greatest way, of handling the situation. Since I am the estate holder to this world of mine then it only makes sense that I have the controlling vote as to what to do with this world I am forced to call my life. The votes are in, ballets are tallied, and I win!!!!!!
Jesse on the other hand believes that love wins all and he crazy. No need to think me crazy lets just look at him and we have the full explanation of what crazy Truly is...duh. I normal like a mother fucker. We all know that normal scares me and I scared. NOT truly in the sense of the word because nothing is feared in my world. I not going to bow down and let someone, something, anything make my life theirs. It all mine, mine, mine, mine. It is mine to take and I going to take it when the time calls. I know my time is soon because I feel it like the air I breathe yet do not want to breathe.

Days just aren't getting any better

I have fallen into a depression and have been trying so hard to get through it. I think it is so much worse when I know exactly what is going on and can't stop it just kinda live through it, then when I really am so out of it that I have no worries about it. I have tried a hundred different ways to cheer myself up or at least cope but still having problems. I should go to a doctor and get my medications that I stopped taking a year or so ago but I really don't want to. I know I need them or at least could use them but I do not want to depend on them. They make me feel like I'm a loser because I can not control my own happiness and sadness in proportion. Nothing worse than going crazy and knowing it just not doing the best to control the situation. I have found myself in bed for days in a row only getting up to pretend to be cheerful long enough to give someone a cab ride, or long enough to get people to stop asking questions. Although I am getting good at pretending.

The weather outside isgetting frieghtful

Well winter is officially here and it sucks just like it did last year and the year before and the year before that, yup and every year before that. I hate it now like I did then. I need to move to a place that has no winter. Then and only then may I be content at least with the weather. I will settle for Florida but the Bahamas seems more to my liking. I want to be able to walk to the beach and sit on my ass anytime I want to. I want to be a rich mofo that has no worries or wonders just knows everything gonna be ok. I want a life that is cushy not just comfortable or manageable. I want better things in life. I remember a time I did not have to want for things even if I had to get them myself.....I want that back. I want to be stress free on so many different levels

2008 Pictures

Finally got some new pics of the kids. The ex didn't want school pics so they had them done elsewhere and I am now getting them. Guess I shouldn't complain they normally don't get sent or given to me at all.

He Loves me he Loves me NOT

Wish I could just pick the pedals off a flower and have the true answer that I could believe in my heart. I am so confused as to what to truly believe. It has almost been a year and I find myself wondering is it true or is it a matter of not wanting to be lonely or hunt for another women. I know I do not want to hunt for another man I love the one I have but there are issues my mind just can not get past. They block my true happiness because the wondering is driving me crazy...will it happen again, will i ever be enough for him, do i really satisfy him, if so can i continue to satisfy him, will we really ever get married, the question for that is am i capable of ever being a wife again???? I hate to fail and I really failed my first marriage. Who says I could get it right this time. In my heart of hearts I'm not sure i should even be pondering these thoughts because I truly doubt Jesse will ever marry me anyway. I have lost my trust in him that has taken me some time to build because I have been screwed over so many times in my life. Small lies mean the same to me as huge lies. Jesse says I need to stop running, when do I know I have run to the right place. I don't like the risk I am taking with my heart. Putting my heart on the line has never proven smart before. If I don't look to my past to guide me to my future I am blind and stupid!

Almost A Year !!!!!

Well I have almost spent a year of my life with Jesse and though there have been more than a few ups and downs we are still together. So if he can handle me for a year god only knows if he can do it much longer. The world knows just how difficult I can be. HeHe!!! Although my side of the relationship has not been all roses either don't get me wrong jesse not an angel either.

It's Friday- nothing has changed

Well its Friday not that that is going to help any if people do not get out of their homes and go out. My cab business is very slow right now and could really use a good pick up before all the holidays decide to come around. Thank God i did most of my x-mas shopping in October. I was actually thinking ahead this year. Yep Angie will not be stalking the shelves this year at last minute trying to figure out what to get people. One thing off my list, now on to the 999 billion other things i should get around to doing but don't. Lack of interest or motivation could be the problem there. Imagine that. i have lost both since I got with my new man Jesse just over 11 months ago. His laziness has worn off on me. I got to figuring if you can't beat them might as well join them. I'm not sure they like the me joining in part but oh well.

My Bestfriend named her baby after me!!!!

I am so very excited!!! Tracy my bestest Bestfriend since age nine and the fourth grade just had baby number 5 on November 11, 2008 and named her Ziana Angelina Olson. The Angelina is from me!!! It should still be my true real first name if my mother would not have been so crazy to change it. Duh what was she thinking not sure then as I am not sure these days either. Although I have heard the name more frequently over the years it still does not give me comfort.

Update from the bipolar express that feels like a train wreck

Well a lot has happened since I was last able to blog and I am sure I will leave a lot out. Drama with a capital "D" could best explain these past six months. Never a dull moment when you got so much of it lurking around!!! I no longer "Dance" at Chills and Thrills although that may have not been a respectable four months of my life it sure was entertaining for me. It did not leave me lonely or bored, or depressed for that matter as so many parts of my life have. I started the job and had a boyfriend named Aric that turned into a definite train wreck from the get go. We moved in together and that was the first mistake of many to come. He became an obsessed boyfriend with having to have my every attention 24/7. I told myself everyday that this was what I wanted and it would all turn out great. WRONG!!! I left the job two weeks after meeting what I want to say is the love of my life and my last and only man. Yet I hesitate to say that for sure. Jesse is a great man in his own way. They say opposites attract, and that is sure what has happened all my life up to this point. Always attracted to the most opposite man from my qualities. Most would say what one lacks in one department the other completes. I am not so sure that is the case. I am happy to an extent but something is missing. I am not willing to be a made or a waitress and yet I find myself always doing shit I do not want to because the man is begging so he don't have to do shit himself. It gets old and all it does is cause me to have an attitude and resentment builds towards him. I look at it as if you don't want to do something then you may as well be thinking I do not want to do it either or for you. I am an independent type and always have been while my man is way more the dependent type. I'm calling him dependent while others would just flat out call him lazy.
I do not have a steady life here in Iowa. I have yet to really establish a home for my children. Jesse has room for himself and his two kids but there isn't room for me let alone my four kids. Seems like it will never be a real home together. Some days I just want to give up because I have accomplished so much more on my own than I am as a other half to a man. I don't know what is going on with me but somewhere along the way I have lost focus and determination that I once had plenty of. I have almost given up on the idea of ever really having a true home again. Just kinda float as best I can through life until my time comes to finally rest. Or end up on my own once again and really start a home life for my kids. I think somewhere along the road I started to put to much emphasis on my happiness alone since I couldn't have my kids with me that I kinda adjusted to just me and have a hard time getting things moving this time around to adjust to needing room. It has a lot to do with striking it out on my own in a new state also. Not really knowing anyone but having no real options of where to go when I left Kirksville to be safe. Feel into the wrong mans arms and turned down a different path than what I was originally on. I lost my focus and will have to make a choice here real soon as to what I am going to do to make things happen in this relationship or become my own companion to get my life straight like I did last time 5 years ago.
Five years ago it was hard but i changed everything around that was going so wrong in my life. I am almost 30 and have yet to begin a true life.
The kids have all gotten very big. Melvin now 12 has gone through a lot of changing on me. There for awhile he did not speak to me (about 5 months) he got very upset with me and was being brainwashed by his father...imagine that. Now he is doing good and doesn't hate me at least. Says he will come to see me on the next visit because he stopped coming on those when he was mad too. He's doing good in school, for the most part he likes living in Hannibal, Missouri since he is close to his cousins. Is going through puberty and his voice is getting very deep. Makes me want to cry since I have missed out on sooooooo much.
Selena now 10 hasn't changed at all, still loves to talk and be the center of everyone's world. Everything she has to say is breaking news. Talk about gossip queen. She is doing great in school and has participated in a lot of after school clubs and such. She seems to stay pretty busy. Thinks it is hilarious when i explain to her she will not have children till she is 30. She just doesn't know what I am going to do when she turns 15....lock her away from the world!!!!
Robert now 8 is great. Doesn't think school is the greatest but is doing well anyway in his subjects. He is like the class clown that never does anything wrong. In his eyes!!! He is still my shorty but i really don't want that to change..Someones got to keep me company in the shorty department.Ha Ha. Melvin done past me up two years ago.
Brianna now 6. well what can i say about my little mouth!!! If you can say something better make sure you got a come back ready because she is prepared for any and all debates. She is 6 gong on 16! She still to this day sounds like a chipmunk over the phone and it is soooooo cute. She always has conversation even when you think she done talking she will start off with something else. She thinks because she is 6 and the youngest she has a whole other set of rules. Yeah she wrong. She just cut her hair off and she looks cute but i just never imagined she would chop it so short. She loves it so I ok with it.
As for me I am now 29 and definitely ready for another break down. I will no longer be celebrating my birthdays anymore. i will never be 30 NEVER. I have gained too much weight again and hope to get off my ass and make that change soon. Yeah I keep talking about it but it just seem like a lost cause these days. If my house don't need to look good i guess I don't really either. I give up on keeping the house clean because it is beyond a losing battle. May as well do that for the fat butt I got too!!
Halloween was good for the kids. They all reported getting a bunch of candy. I missed it like everything else. Melvin did not wish to dress up this year as he didn't last year either. I think he thinks he getting too old for that stuff. Both the girls were witches and Robert was a ninja. They looked good.

Finally got some pictures to add

Here are some updated pictures that have taken me forever to added to the computer.

Still Sick

Well it has been five days now and I am still sicker than a dog. I am so tired and weak all the time. My bones ache. I talked with my friend today and she heard the cough I have had this whole time and she has made a prodgnosis (Bronchitis). She is a chronic bronch sufferer and can tell. So yeah I am thrilled to know what has had me down, NOT!!! It isn't like I can go to a doctor even if I so chose to. Oh well thats life maybe it will go away on its own in time.

A New Year and A Better Outlook

Well the year is definately better. I'm not sure if it is more that I have started over once again or the fact that I started over out of Missouri finally. I always wanted to get out of that place but of course It would have been better to leave under different circumstances. Jesse and I are doing good!! He is so great for me. I love him very much and would not trade him in for the world. I need to learn more about cars to be of use at his car lot but I will know what is needed eventually. I am also taking care of two girls for a friend of mine and they are great. Heaven which is the oldest is so funny. Alexis is cool too. She seems to be able to handle the boys at school when they get mouthy. Which we all know boys always get out of hand and need a little attitude adjustment from time to time. I finally got the net at home so I am playing catch up with everyone. It is great to chat with my old pals though. Thought I lost them.

New Year and New Outlook on Life

Well it is a great start to the new year for me. I have made changes to my lifestyle and have been looking to make more. I am now with Jesse- a great man that treats me very well. He has respect for me and I love him very much. I am more open to enjoyment rather than schedules these days. I went to Burlington, IA a couple weeks ago and had a great time going to the casino for the first time. I didn't win anything but that did not rain on my parade. I am looking forward to a couple of trips this year. I will be going to Las Vegas in Feb. and Mexico in July. My kids are getting big. My oldest son now has a girlfriend. That scares me alittle. He got highlights and pierced his ear. Selena is doing great. She just has to learn not to forge names on school papers. Robert is getting big. No longer my small fry. Brianna has an attitude that don't stop. She doesn't seem like a five year old. I been getting to see all the kids on a regular basis now and it is great. I wish they would behave alittle better. Had them for a week over christmas break. Wish it didn't have to come to an end.