I am under house arrest and cab arrest

Oh how my life has spun out of control and now I have a warden who thinks he can control it for me. What a joke that is. He just doesn't realize that when my time to leave this god for saking earth comes there is no stopping it, there is no controlling it, there is no preventing it. It will happen exactly as I have planned and that is that. I am tired of waking up everyday, going to bed every night. What I want the most in this world is eternal sleep. When I set my mind to something or my mind gets set beyond its own control that is how it will go. I am not scared of death, I am not scared of shit. All i want is the peace that has not been in my life for so long I can not even count the time line anymore. All I know is there has been so much sorrow in my world since birth and not enough happiness for the world to look even half bright to me. It sucks living in a world that has hated you for so long. I hate back and that is my prerogative in this world. I have done my part to contribute to this world and we over populated anyway. Must I say I am helping earth more than anyone knows. At least I am doing something to help after all. i no longer believe that there are medications on the market to fix, prevent, deter, my thinking anymore. I don't want them to. Now I have a man that says he loves me but doesn't even understand me aside from the Bi Polar. Explain to me how that is possible. It isn't he just won't listen. Don't get me wrong I Love him more than I have ever loved another man, but come on that don't mean he is going to protect the unprotectable. He is so able to let me walk away from the relationship as long as I promise or he feels I am going to be safe. Well let me tell you I can pretend for as long as it takes to get clear. This is set in motion it is my destiny. He should spend his time worrying about his kids and finding a replacement as a women instead of all this. It would be more productive in the long run. Trying to stop what you can not is not productive it is selfish. He like others have said that I am the one being selfish but that is not true, or maybe it is. I don't care it is my life to chose what to do with it, no others. No one lives the life I do, no one has lived through the things I have with my life, no one should care. They do not have to care. It is not necessary. If life could be grand and normal as everyone else seems to think is possible then answer me why god punishes me so. God would not make me suffer that is not what god is suppose to do with people. Suffering is not living it is what it is just suffrage for those who do not have the guts to do what needs to be done. I am not scared and my guts are in place to do what will make the world- my world a better place. Eternal sleep is not a bad thing. I happen to believe it is the best, the only, the greatest way, of handling the situation. Since I am the estate holder to this world of mine then it only makes sense that I have the controlling vote as to what to do with this world I am forced to call my life. The votes are in, ballets are tallied, and I win!!!!!!
Jesse on the other hand believes that love wins all and he crazy. No need to think me crazy lets just look at him and we have the full explanation of what crazy Truly is...duh. I normal like a mother fucker. We all know that normal scares me and I scared. NOT truly in the sense of the word because nothing is feared in my world. I not going to bow down and let someone, something, anything make my life theirs. It all mine, mine, mine, mine. It is mine to take and I going to take it when the time calls. I know my time is soon because I feel it like the air I breathe yet do not want to breathe.