Jesse Loves me more than I would ever have thought!!!

It is so hard for me to see the love that Jesse has for me and there are probably good reasons for that. I have never had it before to count on it being there. All i have had is bites and pieces shown throughout my life and wasn't certain it was real. I am still not certain. Which if I am completely honest maybe that is what is happening now too, I want to believe it is there so badly that maybe I take things to mean more than they do. I do not understand his love, I am sure I do not deserve it. I have treated him so badly for the past I'm not even sure how long. I hurt his feelings and try to push him away. Funny thing the harder I push him to walk away and try to prove to him he can do so much better the more he just stands there and loves me regardless. It scares me kinda. I do not want to disappoint him but I have to be. There is no way he could be content with me the way this Bi Polar goes up and then down. The down for me this time has been very extreme and I know it is still there but I am trying my hardest to pretend to be happy go lucky for the world to see as usual. It has been a challenge this time. I just feel that death would be the greatest gift for me. It would be eternal peace and no more ups and downs and dragging those around me through it all. I do not want my Bi Polar to affect others. It is me and I have to get through it or end it all. Ultimately it is my choice. Kinda weird how he gets me to think even when death is all I got on my mind. He got me laser cut diamond earrings for x-mas that say I love you. He thinks I do not like them. He just don't understand that the feelings I have are those of a person almost dead inside and I just don't have it in me to be real cheery.
I did finally tell him what my life long dream was--to be a wife and mother. I explained that it was taken away from me by the asshole, it was given to me by mark but wouldn't work, Aric wanted it but he wanted to push it on me, and so I gave up on that dream. I can not fully see it ever happening and so therefore stopped dreaming and wishing to have it. When he gave me the diamond earrings (which diamonds are forever) I really didn't know how to act, or what to say. I asked him if he had the receipt- my mind still is focused on death for the most part after all. It hurt him that I was not bragging about them to people, but how do you brag about something that means so much and have feelings of not being the forever. He irritates the hell out of me some days and yet I love him regardless. I do also hold resentment toward him for things that have happened in the past and have not been able to get fully past all that. I know if we are to truly move forward I will have to but I will need time and space to get all that out of my head. Of course for it not to happen anymore either and to truly believe it. I can not trust it yet to be over. He thinks the things I have complained about are small and shouldn't mean so much but for me that is impossible. Bi Polar feels way too much all at once and nothing at the same time. I block my feelings and just turn it to anger. When he said he would marry me to sign me out of a mental institute I felt crushed at a time I was already crushed. There was nothing more to it, no I wanted to do this anyway just not at this time, no on bended knee, no life long promise. Jesse lacks romantic completely and he knows that. Thank God he at least notices he doesn't have the ability to be romantic. I would seriously be hurt if he just pretended to have feelings that are not true. That keeps me wondering.