Days just aren't getting any better

I have fallen into a depression and have been trying so hard to get through it. I think it is so much worse when I know exactly what is going on and can't stop it just kinda live through it, then when I really am so out of it that I have no worries about it. I have tried a hundred different ways to cheer myself up or at least cope but still having problems. I should go to a doctor and get my medications that I stopped taking a year or so ago but I really don't want to. I know I need them or at least could use them but I do not want to depend on them. They make me feel like I'm a loser because I can not control my own happiness and sadness in proportion. Nothing worse than going crazy and knowing it just not doing the best to control the situation. I have found myself in bed for days in a row only getting up to pretend to be cheerful long enough to give someone a cab ride, or long enough to get people to stop asking questions. Although I am getting good at pretending.