Update

Well I havent decided if I have made the right choice in staying with jess or not. Time is the only thing that will tell me. He thinks i should never pack and leave before talking and he dont get that if I at that point I dont want to talk anymore just go.

Bitches with Mouths

Yes, it sucks to find out there is a shit talker in the mist. I hate for someone to say shit behind my back that they so are not able to speak in your face. I know I do some shit talking but the difference is what i say is true and I'd say it to their face any day of the week and I'm most certain I have in most cases due to there ability to take it. I just think it is so wrong to say shit about someone that isn't true or you fail to know if true or not before speaking it. People can put me down for shit i have done in my life but they better know what the hell they talking bout. That why I have one 100% Bestest Bestfriend in the world and keep it that way. Yup that you tracy, always there and always gonna be I can count on that.

Finally got out of O- Town to see my Hometown

Well I finally got out of Ottumwa if only for a weekend.....so far!!!! Had a blast hanging with tracy and jen over the weekend. Wish i could have stayed a lot longer. I have been a moody bitch since I been back. Think those are the words Jess said..LMFAO. He just dont know the true difference of living in Ottumwa and growing up in Rockford. He be seeing things differently too. I miss my bestfriend soooo much. Just not the same getting up each day and texting or emailing or facebooking. Nope not the same at all. Used to be back in the day wake up and just walk three blocks. Now it 5 hour drive through corn mostly. Definately gonna be planning a return trip in the future that i hope to be an actual move. Be great to hang and do stuff with my girl again. Reminder of this trip aside from pics and time......Blue beads from the bar.

Playing tag

Yep that what i been doin g for years and it continues. Have called tracy a bunch of tim es over th years and she never home, she call me about a bu nch of times and I'm never home. One of these days we will get each others schedules figured out. Jenny from school had the same problem trying to reach me over the years and I finally got to talk to her a few days ago. We went to texting which is convienient. Tracy if you are checking this out!!!! which I hope you are. Call me or text me at 641-680-1679 it my work line so i always answer that one at least if i'm not napping. lol yea got to have my naps or i grumpy. Cant image me being old and gray and someone trying to deal with me when Im crabby. I gonna be bad

Renewal

Oh my god I so wanted to snap a ladies neck yesterday when I went to renew my city chauffers license. She was so snotty and I was already in a grumpy mood. I hate going to official type people. They always think they better than someone else. She looks at me in this fashion as I'm giving her my application and all my proof of necessary paperwork and she is like schoofing. She looks up at me and says" Is this all you have for vehicles, a 10 year old car" I was so like whats it to ya. Like I'm gonna have some fancy car for people to trash and me have to clean. Like Im going to ruin a better vehicle for the sole purpose of driving other people around. Yeah Right. I would get highly pissed off if I had a spectacular car, suv, whatever and someone ge in a spill something in the seat or floorboard like they do. She just really ticked my nerve on that. I was thinking if she would like to purchase that spectacular vehicle for me to have passengers trash then so be it I'll accept her purchase.

Friday

Well another day here at the shop. No fun happening either. Getting alot done but not having any fun doing it. Cab is dead slow today and wondering where all my regular customers have gone. Wishing like crazy they would call and rescue me from car lot work. LOL.

update

I actually had what I have to consider a busy cab day because igot more than 4. I got 6..YAY!!! Wish it would really pick up I dont like spending my time at the car lot so much. It way Boring. There is only so much you can do and still hold interest in it here. I dont want to do the garage stuff... no way man job written all over that. I am a tom boy but I got to be in the mood to clean a garage. That just not happening now.

Extremely Bored

I am sooooooooooooooooooo Bored. Cab is definately slow and sitting at the car lot today holds no appeal. I don't know what i am going to do with myself.

Cab Is SLOW

Well the cab has definately slowed down and I dont like it. I am bored alot of the time just waiting to get a call. I dont know if it is due to the recession or other cab companies slinging trash talk again. Ive been workin g down at the shop more soince dont have many calls on any given day. Get pretty bored here but got lots of work that need done. Wish I could get the motivation needed for it. Maybe tomorrow...
Guess I should make up some new fliers again and distribute them across town, maybe do a couple newspaper ads, and my number actually in the phonebook these days so that should help, and maybe a few nights out at the local bars again passing out cards. Maybe next few weeks will pick up once I get that accomplished.

I Bet my BESTEST BESTFRIEND thinks I forgot her!!! NO WAY

Yup my bestest bestfriend Tracy had her 30th birthday on July 25th. I hate my internet company. Internet has been kicking in and out for weeks and of course was not up and running then. I hope you had a great birthday and got to have some fun on your own. Time alone can be good and healthy for moms. Wish I didnt get such a big break. I wish I still felt like I was 20 when I turned 30 last month. I actually feel old and regret growing up so fast and not really taking a breathe and relaxing. The next 30 will be much better. It has to be !!!! I do wish to see my bestest bestfriend before the next 30 years though. Had hoped to be spending the 30th together.

House is moving along.

Well I have been extremely busy with working on the remodel with jesse. We have been working to get it complteted in 2 mon ths at least thats what i keep hearing. I know I have just about all of the insulation put in. Just waiting for 2 rooms to be wired and i can finish that task. We got to get our outside porch lights wired too. I can't wait to see the sheet rockers at work. That means paint and pick floor coverings. We have all of the kitchen appliances and cabinets and counters all picked out just cant wait to see them put in and finished. I wish I would have got around to taking before and after pictures of this house. It was a shell after we gutted it. Hope to get moved in before winter, I know that for sure.

Well back to the pits of my world.

My birthday sucked! Brianna asked on the 14th at 945p to call her dad. I dialed the phone and two hours later the ex wants to talk to me after he talked to all the kids. Which melvin and robert have been mad at me so I coiuldn't begin to think what was up with them going to their room on their own. I get on the phon to hear the ex asshole telling me what a piece of shit I am and how the kids need to be returned 3 wks early. Which means yup he wanted me to drive them back on my birthday. Told him no. He says that he calling family services and the cops because I have allowed jesse to be mean to the kids. Said jesse threathened the kids and told them he would be paying them hourly when they worked ith him and now he wasn't and that wasn't right. Told him none of the shit he was saying happened and he said that my boys said it did. So yup melvin and robert got mad because they werent getting handed cash non- stop like they had expecgted. I explained to the asshole that the kids were being paid just hadnt given them large amounts of money because they were wasting it and we would bepaying them in the stuff that they had personally told us they were working to buy. They always complain they dont get things at home with their dad and had made lists of what they had wanted. So jesse started taking selena to the store 1st because she was listening and not doing the non-stop fighting. Briannna was having her party scheduled at the beach lkike se wanted and we were gonna take her shopping seperate. Same with the boys. Give them their own time t shop and do it one on one to spend time together. They got mad and started telling their father lies. So at 12am we departed to take them homebecause I was not playing the games with everyone. He of course made a scene and had to do his normal yelling and threatening to me. Also jesse. Now I try to call and talk to my kids and the ex wont allow it. I talked to selena about a wee afterwards because he was at her grandmas and she was telling me how she wanted to come live with me. I told her she is 11 and can chose on her own where she wants to go- me or her father, told her if that was what she wanted I would make it happen. He held something over her head and made her tell about pour conversation and so that is a main reason he will not let me talk to my kids. I don know what to do. I can save and attempt to get the kids in bfront of a judge a nd then they can chose but he will be threatening them the whole time. I really dont know what to do. There is a part of me that knows the kids want to be with their dad but would rather him treat them better but I also think they want to be with me. i dont want to get them a court date and have them suffer with the decision or the consequences of staying with their dad when they all dont come. If one or two or even three do come that means whoever stays will have to deal with their father and his anger. They go through this all the time when I have to turn him in for neglect and abuse. They suffer because they talk. I just dont know what to do. If I do nothing I never see them again unless the asshole decides he need a break which could take a year or more like usual. if I do somthing we all suffer. A small part of me just wants to walk away so they at least are stable and he will let up on them as long as they dont have ideas that I am coming after them to have them live with me. I called 18 times on the 4th of july just to talk to the kids but only got in an arguement with him and never once got to speak to my kids. He says he not gonna let me. He says I am no longer a mother and that I never have been. He just dont rfealize I want to be a mother to my children and always hve he just wont allow me to.

summer 2009

Well I picked up the kids on May 24th and am going crazy. They don't want to listen to me very well. I know that the ex is mean and still beats them. Talks of putting Melvin on probation. And still is an all around asshole but they seem to be taking it out on me. They slave at home all the time and i guess he gives them 20 dollars in food stamps when they earn them, but I have been paying them cash when they go to work and they still act out. They dont want to do anything unless they are getting paid and when thats done they want to watch tv and play video games and not clean up thier own messes at my house. I am over stressed. I work all the time but they dont understand when I am tired. It seems all I do is talk and to a brick wall non the less. Jesse has been helping out quit a bit and i really appreciate it but it not changing the fact they wont listen to either of us pretty much. Selena has been the best, wants to work, make money, do things and the rest just dont care if they do or not. Brianna has got a mouth on her that never stops. Robert and her are at each other al the time. Melvin supposed to be the oldest and acts the youngest doing juvenile pranks and just picking every chance he gets. Always got smeone fighting over something. They dont act at all Like they used to and they used to listen to me. When jesse was gone a few days they listened to me a lot better than now. I dont think they dislike jesse I just dont know what it is. Jesse tries with them and they just dont care. I try and they just dont care. Im going crazy. Cab not the best and not sure if I be able to keep it going. i got my passport today and no matter what jesse believes I really want to go but I just can not afford it. I cleared my accounts just in last two weeks to get kids beds and clothes, and a place large enough to get around each other. I guess it just not ment for me to go. Jesse keep telling me be more positive instead of negative but damn.

Car....GURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Oh my god I am so tired of making repairs to my car. Thank god my van is good, but the car has become a money pit. Not sure if it is just normal repairs needed after so long or if my driver i hired is just being crazy with his abilities and hot rodding. I am about to get rid of him if I find out that is the cause. I can't afford someone making me pay for their dumb driving. I have had to get onto him about speeding and staying in his lane twice now so the car will decide.

Getting Kids In 10 Days...

I am so looking forward to seeing the kids it has been awhile. It has kept me busy with preperations too!! The kids have grown so much, I see it in their clothes sizes. Wish I had them home all the time. It just doesn't feel right. I got them new dressers last week, which was just in time for the stacks of clothes I've been buying. I think it so much easier to just have everything for the kids as if it were their only home and then just pick them up. I hate to wait when they haven't packed. I do not have any wishes to have to talk to the dumbass ex husband. Which jesse always tells me how Im married already..... I don't think Jesse will ever marry me, Im not totally sure how I feel about that but eventually I will. I know that I feel like an outsider in his home and around his family. His children gotta love them just wish they could pick up their stuff better. I really do hate having OCD about the house but damn it ill never go away. If i could control OCD I sure would. If I could make it all go away, I sure would. My biggest wish is to have a home that we can all have space in. Maybe it would feel different when I wonder if we will last.

Got a new target!!!!!!

Well I would have thought that since the insurance company settled so quickly that I would have had another van quick but it took me a couple of weeks to find the right one. No surprise. I finally got basically what I already had but nicer. I got a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan which looks and feels like my 1998 Plymouth Voyager. Made by the same guess that why they the same. Dont have to waste time adjusting to where my controls and gadgets are--Thank God. I didn't get a CD player in this one and that disappointed me greatly, but I guess not too bad I really didn't have a bunch of CD's becuse I hadn't gone to the store is all. One minor problem- the shock in the rear is bad but just came from the part store and cornered my machanic yerterday to book his time for today so problem solved. Now if he would just show up. Aside from being run down all the time -literally by the other vehicles in this town cab life is kinda steady so no real complaint there. My employee drives me crazy always talking about past events in his life which i really care nothing about an don't even need to know. The man can talk your head off for days and not blink an eye.

Post Operation Doctor visit

Well I was hoping for better news but at least my restrictions are gone at least i think so. Doctor checked my incisions and said they looked great. Then felt my stomach and gave me a look an says- Have you been following your restrictions. I gave him a look and said as best as I can. He says he will release me but i have obviously not been following them as i should have been because my stomach on the inside is still scared or whatever some cleft thing he was talking about, and that i do in fact need to take it easy on my stomach muscle use and until i truely do i won't heal. Said i have strained it during the healing process and the nausea I still get if i touch a certain spot on my stomach is a sure sign- not healed. Or the tenderness that my stomach still has to a simple touch. So I kindly explained to him that I am a mother of four plus two boyfriend kids-and they always want something or cant do something for themselves and that means it up to me, i run a 24 hour taxi, work at the car lot, and have to clean my house if i wish for it to be clean the way i want it. So there. I guess I will adjust to the minor inconvience of nausea and some achiness when it decides to come upon me.

Got More Than I gave

Well it does royally suck to have someone crash into you because they fail to stop at stop signs or even attempt to stop, but the good thing is they have insurance. I was happy with my van the day I bought it for $500.00 and thought yeah it has 177,000 miles already but i can get it to 200,000 and make a bunch of money before it needs replaced. Thinking smart since i dont want to be in debt starting my buisness just want to get by until I make the big bucks to get nicer vehicles. Nope made it 34 days when it became a total and only made 4,000 with it. So I was very disappointed until the insurance adjuster brought me a check today for 3,100 and some odd dollars. I'm sure i would have tripled that in my van at least but I have the money to get a better one early. That is three wrecks in 2 months and none were my fault. Talk about a bunch of dumbasses in Ottumwa, Ia.

Just My Luck

As if this year hasn't had enough of a rough start for me my bad luck has been striking in full force. Jan went pretty much fine. Then Feb began my streak of luck,on the 15th and 18th when two different people decided not to look where they were going an backed into my car, then on the 27th all the pain associated with a non treated tubal pregnancy came along when the hospital 3 times over in 24 hours kept sending me home and telling me i was fine just lost my baby. The 4th of march I had surgery and started the recovery process for that, which let me tell you was hell. Still have some discomfort. I am scheduled to be released from all my restrictions following the surgery on the 9th, yet my luck as struck. Yesterday I was coming down the road and a man decides he doesn't want to stop at a stop sign. Completely totaled my new van. Engine is pushed back, front end majorly smashed, bumper off, just a wreck. My knees hit the dash and the front of my body hit the steering wheel. So once again i am hurting in the stomach region that had surgery and the seat belt snapping down hard on impact didn't help. I went home and spent my day (yet another one) in bed trying to get comfortable.

Slow Recovery

Well I am overtired of not being able to do anything. I live with jesse and he has done a lot to help me out but the house is getting well for me very bad for him liveable. I am sick of not being able to clean...grrrrrrr. The shop needs cleaned too but i can't....grrrrrrrrr. All I do is drive whih I am not suppose to and do paperwork at the shop. Boring.
On a higher note I get to pick up the kids on friday and have them for the weekend. Today is Melvin's 13Th birthday. He has gotten so big. Before I know it he will be living on his own and doing his own thing all the time. I don't want that to ever happen. He is too busy for me as it is.

Suffering won't end

I just don't know what to do with myself. I am not to be lifting more than a gallon of milk, I can not do house chores, I can drive on highway with m inimum pain until i hit bumps or drive for too long- but in town it all hurt bad because I live in a river town that they don't care about their roads so we don't have a road but the highway going through without bumps (craters they are more than minor bumps in the rd). They said the general anesthesia would take couple days to get out of my system, it is still there after 4 days today and my shoulder and neck keep feeling the pain of it moving up and down through my body but not exiting. I am still in hell. I have never gone through so much pain and had to continue to suffer afterwards too. I am miserable and I feel like I am just in the way. I can't get comfortable in bed or in a chair. I can't wait to get these staples out so they stop poking me every time I move. They are irritating in themselves. I want relief. I just have no way of getting it. I am taking pain medicine like it is candy every 4-6 hrs and it only helps for short time and then I have to suffer until I am allowed another dose.
The kids start spring break in Hannibal on Tuesday the tenth and I got to go pick them up. I have no clue what I will do with them with all of these restrictions. I hope to be able to at least walk better by then. They complain when then come and don't get to do much and yet I can't fix this to do things. Melvin's birthday is wed- the big 13. Selena is the next wed- she'll be 11. I haven't been able to work so money just not there. My company is getting ruined because I can't drive for long. I attempted to run the whole day yesterday and all I got was four calls done and had to quit. Which I already missed the most busiest time of the month (the first week), and so I took a 700-1000 dollar loss already, plus have missed 2 days at end of Feb, and now still can't get out there and make my money. This month is really going to suck.

I am making requests on Monday to get my records from the doctor that did my original tubal ligation surgery, and then i will be getting all the reports for this ordeal I have been going through. It is not my fault I had to suffer for such an extended period of time, nor is it my fault these doctors are incompitent and couldn't figure out my pain and bleeding, nor is it my fault they failed to do a thorough check each time I ended up at emergency room and they just send me home. Expecially after completing an ultrasound, the doctor told me there was nothing in my tube or uterus. I am finding me an attorney. I repeatedly made attempts to get help and that hospital acted like it was a simple miscarriage or not a real pregnancy and left me to suffer for days on end. If that tube would have burst because they say there was nothing in it I would have died. I am amazed they said there was nothing in it. i saw the pictures after surgery and it was huge, considering I only had a partial tube they didn't even have to look hard( how they missed it I will never know).

Got out of the hopital today after six days of hell

Well I am so confused as how to explain the craziness i have been through in the last five days...it has been hell. As you know I found out I was pregnant on Feb 24 Th. I was beyond shocked. I took the test twice and just couldn't believe my eyes. I scheduled a apt for the very next day to confirm with a doctor. Yup i was pregnant. Jesse says "thought you could Not get pregnant" then "so we need and extra room" (he has been remodeling a home be purchased over the summer for us a bigger place with six kids). So it was weird on Feb 27Th I went to the bathroom and not fifteen minutes later felt like I just wet myself. I was having an achiness in my stomach. So I take it easy and then when it happened again I go to emergency room because when they confirmed pregnancy and realize I had tubal almost 7 years ago (in Sept 02) and gave me a bunch of here your pregnant reading materials and things to expect charts, so number two reason to go to er- vaginal leakage. The doctor take blood and urine, then says he going to do pelvic- says cervix closed 100% and then he done i say that doesn't explain why my stomach aches. Told me go home and no strenuous activities, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound on Monday Mar 2ND and this is Fri 27Th. So I am at home doing nothing but laying around taken it as easy as possible. go to bed early and woke about a million times. Went to bathroom at 530a ( Feb 28Th) and saw blood. Went directly to the emergency room and they took blood and urine and did pelvic exam- checked cervix and swabbed out blood but no culture done again. They ordered an ultrasound to be done right now,checked my hcg level, came in and told me the miscarriage was complete that there was no fetus or tissues left. Said she didn't actually believe I was really pregnant. So she sent me home and says take it easy. I left hospital at 8am. Went home and was taking it easy as they say- yet I was suffering because I'm in pain and they say it already over. Yet they give me no pain medicine or antibiotics. I went back to the emergency room after calling and asking if I should even come back if the pain has increased. They said I was always able to go in for a pain management visit and get a prescription. I get there at around 230p got a different doctor again. He looked back over the previous two visits and ordered blood and urine again and completed another pelvic exam with culture this time. Wanted to check my hcg levels and said I was having a miscarriage because it was not yet complete. Said I was to watch the blood loss and rest as much as I could. Gave me a prescription for hydrocodone every 6 hours for pain. Said that my hcg levels were dropping and gave me a 3 days off work release. All three of the doctors told me to keep my doctors appointment that had already been scheduled for Monday March 2ND. Went to the appointment and they didn't know what to do with me. Scheduled me to see a ob/gyn specialist at 345p same day Monday because they couldn't explain the amount of blood loss and pain associated with this miscarriage. So I had thought of skipping this appointment because now I had already seen four doctors and they were stumped. I pretty much figured they were all just going to let me bleed to death because they knew nothing. In the end Jesse told me I should go and let them know something was very wrong and that they had to do something about all my suffering. This doctor did a pelvic exam and told me get dressed. He was back in the room in 3 minutes with admission papers to the hospital told me he would meet me there. I chain smoked 2 cigs and checked in. His biggest concern was that the baby was in my tube and if it burst I could bleed to death for sure if that didn't happen a lot of other things could. He had them get me prepped for surgery. They observed my vitals for a couple hours to be sure I was stable and collected more urine and blood to see where my levels were at. I went into surgery at 5pm. He explained to me that his first intentions were to scrape my uterus(dnc) and was hoping to get tissue at least to prove it was a simple miscarriage and get the bleeding to stop so it would ease my pain. Said that he could do it all microscopically if that was in fact going to be the cure. Said at the same time he would be doing a laproscope to check my tubes for damage. Which he found I had a severe bladder infection before the surgery was to start so he had them pushing 3 IV bags of antibiotics through my system before they went in. Told me I would only have the same incision that I had from my first tubal ligation if all was good. He would only cut further if it was a necessity. He did explain to me that if he in fact found the baby in my tube that my tubes would become a severe liability to my health then or in the future if I got pregnant again so he would have to remove them both for my protection. I came out of surgery and woke up in recovery shortly after 8pm on the 3rd of march. When I finally came to enough to comprehend what had fully happened I was in pretty much the same amount of pain. I was being given pain medication every 4 hours to control it though. It cut the pain in half. It at least helped. He did find the baby in my tube and said it has caused my tube to be four times its normal size, if it would have been left in their it would have killed me when it burst. Said a normal fallopian tube was no larger than the size of a pencil and that was large. Said mine had swollen with baby in it to the size of an intestine. He removed both of my tubes and the baby. Told me if I in fact ever wanted to have anymore children I could do it by invetro fertilization and would have a better chance because then all I had to do was carry the baby once it was placed safely into my uterus and that my tubes would no longer have the ability to fertilize and transport a fetus as they once did without risking my health and life again. So I ended up with my belly button scar being cut open plus some further cutting and stapled shut with four staples and I had to be cut on both my sides also to get the expanded pieces of tube out. So I have staples in those incisions as well but I have yet to remove those bandages for the first time to see exactly how many staples are holding me together there. I didn't make it to the pharmacy to get my pain medication filled or to get gauze and tape, because after I got out of the shower I would need to change the dressings. So I couldn't take my shower and I am feeling nasty. I hope to be up early and get a ride to the pharmacy because I am not allowed to drive for at least a week. I can not do house chores for a month, have sex for at least a month, only thing I can do is walk for short periods of time, and rest to get my body to heal. It is 12am and I have already been waken from the pain, and Jesse is a bed hog that is going to end up rolling over on me if I stay in bed. Sucks. I took some of the first pain medicine that was prescribed to at least help until I get my stronger pain medicine tomorrow. I was released from the hospital at 6pm on march 4Th. That has been my last 6 days of hell. I am only at the beginning of my healing 30 day minimum doctor says. I am not even to lift more than a gallon of milk for the next month. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I had a horrible nurse half the time I was in the hospital that made me feel like a burden. So I wouldn't ask for pain med or anything while she was on shift. I would ask other nurses when she was on break. I couldn't wait to get out of their. I am going to turn her into the board at the hospital for hr treatment of patients and her rudeness.

If I bleed to death it not my fault

Thats right if i bleed to death it not my fault and someone should seriously sue each and every doctor that has seen me in the state of Iowa since Friday. I have been to the emergency room 3 times for pain and discharge then pain and bleeding twice and they are the dumbest doctors on the face of the planet. And lets not forget the Riverhills clinic and their full staff because they do not understand a word that came out of my mouth until the last two minutes of that ordeal. Now they have me going to yet another ob/gyn doctor this afternoon and for what i am not sure because the rest of them couldn't figure shit out. And yet I still have an enormous amount of pain and bleeding still. If this one can not figure out what is going on then I give up. I will sit home and spend my last days bleeding like a stuck pig yet it will not be my fault. I have made repeated attempt to get help and they are just dumb and send me home as if everything is fine. I do not know how to explain to them this is not fine except to do so in english and they are not getting that. I explain my pain and they see me suffer yet no help but a pain prescription and no knowledge what is happening. I have had a miscarriage before i know the pain i know the blood but this is completely different.

Baby Gone- In Process

My luck as usual is bad and has struck again. Friday I went to the hospital because everytime I pee i would have a discharge within minutes of peeing and I was in moderate pain. They said i should take it easy and that my cervix was closed so that was good. I ended up back at the hospital 7 hours later because i had more pain and bleeding had started. They said I was miscarrying. I ended up back at the hospital again for the second time on saturday which they had already done an ultrasound and said all tissue was gone and hcg level had dropped. Well that emergency room doctor was a quack and the third doctor said the miscarriage had really just begun. The fetus had not passed and that is why my pain level had tripled. He completed cultures and more blood and urine esting, gave me pain medicine and said I should go home directly to bed and rest and not move around too much. Well today is the third day of bleeding and I have yet to pass the fetus. Bleeding has increased and pain is still extreme. I have had a miscarriage before and the pain was not this bad and it took nine days to pass the fetus then. Both jesse and I are very disappointed. I told him that they say no sex for three weeks because I am very fertile right now so I told him I want to at least try to have a baby with him. When the bleeding stops I will rape him. I am going to at least try. I want to have a baby with him and obviously having my tubes cut and tied don't stop me from getting pregnant i just need to take it easy.

6 wks

yup that is how far I am...well 6 weeks and 4 days to be exact as of the due date given so far. Hope to get an ultrasound scheduled after my first appointment with the doctor I have chosen. If he doesn't schedule me for one right away he may not end up being my doctor!!! I want to know where this baby is located because just because I am positively pregnant does not mean the fetus landed where he/she was supposed to. This could be a problem if not. I am hoping for good news and trying to take it easy as they say. I have had bad nausea the last couple of days so if this baby makes it my first guess is a boy. They always torture me....hehe. That would explain some of the bouts nof heartburn already too. Since I already have two boys and two girls I am not going to be chosey as if i really could anyway. I'm just waiting for news before I start to prepare. An we know I do not have patience for things like this. the waiting is driving me crazy. I am still just so amazed that i am pregnant, did not think in a million years this would be happening to me. They say everything happens for a reason.

I'm Pregnant

Yes you heard me I am pregnant. I had a tubal Ligation 6 years ago. I missed my period this month and today makes 13 days late. Decided for giggles I would get a test..... positive. Went to a different store and got a second test.....positive. The thing is I had that tubal and not sure baby be posibble.

Got 2nd cab!!!

Well the only good thing about having two dumbasses back into you, getting to get another vehicle. I was so irritated with the wrecks and focused on getting the car fixed. As of yet no repairs are actually done. I have gotten another vehicle to run as the cab. I got a plymouth Voyager. I am so happy it has the cd player. Really getting tired of the radio stations in this town. Always stuck listening to songs I don't care to ever hear again. So even though my repairs are not done a good has come of the o-town rejects!!! The Chevy Lumina still drives just as it always has, just looks crappy. Found the parts to do repairs so now just a matter of time. Hope to get Voyager ready (licensed, insured, decorated ) soon. Found the second driving also. Just been waiting on the state to finish his background check for me and then get his chauffers license taken care of under my company. That way i can get some time off here in the near future without having to miss a bun ch of calls. May go to the cuisino the weekend after get driver running!!!

On The lookout !!!!

Well after two people decided to make my car look like a real junker I am on the look out to purchase a new vehicle for my cab. I do intend to make all the repairs to my original cab but think it is definately time to have the second vehicle avaiable for just such occurences. I can not believe two people backed into me in the same week. Definately got some bad luck going on. I went to an automobile auction last night with jesse and found a few that I would like to have. just so happens they would not give my passengers any comfort. Unfortunately I have to take their comfort into consideration. That is if I want to have them as passengers..hehe. There's another car auction on Thursday, not sure if I will be able to attend but I am kind of hoping to. I would like to get another vehicle quickly then I can start working toward a vehicle for my personal use. Since I have a driver it will be nice to have double cars running at busy times but also when I want time off too. I would rather be driving around a vehicle of my choice for those far and in between times. A medium sized truck would be nice, or a mustang of course but that will not happen. I have always wanted one and had two some years ago,but that doesn't mean i will ever get one these days. I don't want want something too nice cuz kids will just tear it up. Kids seem to make keeping a vehicle clean almost impossible. They figure just riding along is their job. Forget taking their junk with them.

accident prone

Yup that has become me when I get in my car. Last Thursday i was driving people around and they wanted to go to the BP gas station. We get ready to leave pull behind a black truck to exit and the dumbass decides they want to go another direction. They don't even look behind them and just back right into me.URRRRRRRRRR. Then as if that wasn't bad enough damage (1300). Sunday roles around and i pull into the driveway of a customer and they just get in when another dumbass decides they are gonna back up through me. Yup. Got to go get estimate for that damage today. Auto places gonna be sick of seeing me. I sick of seeing them!!!!!

The Happy life feeling very far away today

I am sick and life just really sucks today. No one real big reason but an off day for sure. Been going in circles all day with different thoughts getting no where.....

Funny I thought I was the only one

Yup it has been confirmed I am not the only one that has fallen behind with her scrapbooks. I was so proud of myself when I had them all organized and looking great. Even figured out the dates for some that seemed a mystery. That is done and gone now. I am about a year or more behind with them now. I have boxes just stuffed with them all, talk about lost track yeah that's me. I lost track and haven't had the time to set down for the hours it will take to even get them organized by date let alone get them put into their books. Hope to make that an accomplishment here in the near future. At the rate I'm going it could take until next year to get last years done. Well guess I will have to get a little camera happy again too!!! Lost it there for a bit.

What do I want out of life???????

What I want out of life seems so simple to explain but hard to actually grasp. I want to live comfortably and in a family setting with the ones I love. It seems all so simple and yet I have not reached out and been able to grab a hold of this. WHY?????
I have a company that is making the money, I have a boyfriend that makes his own money.
I have four kids, I have a boyfriend with two kids--- The Brady Bunch.
I have nice things for my home, my boyfriend has what he describes as gangsta living accents.
I have NO actual home of my own, my boyfriend has two.
I love my kids and my boyfriend and his kids, he does the same.
So how is it with all the main ingredients I am not fully and truly happy yet???
This is what I am trying to ponder and fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed to have the life goal. I want the fairytale life and yet do not seem even close to realty with it.

It has come to my attention that I am a bitch in any and all ways the word can be used. I am fully ok with this because yes I am in fact a bitch. I do not take shit from others and if I do not like something I try to at least change it. I can be pushy, bossy, outspoken, hell even rude if necessary, but then who isn't. I am rough in the words of others- I come off as being rough anyway, well that maybe true but that is all I know. To watch out for yourself and your family first and foremost. I do that when it comes to me and my children. I can not say I give a 100 % with the boyfriend and his kids and that is because we do not have a family relationship yet(marriage), we are boyfriend and girlfriend and so there is a gap in the cover of extended family as of right now. Am i wrong for not just giving 100%????
I guess it would be the trust and depending on others that holds me back because I have not done those things in a very long time. Not sure if it will become 100%. I do my best to adjust to everything and everyone around me but I am held back some by my bipolar ways.

What I miss

Since I moved to Ottumwa, I have had four main jobs.... Worked at Pizza Hut as waitress- nope don't even miss it in the least. I worked at Hotel Ottumwa as a housekeeper and nope don't miss it either. I now own my own cab company so there is nothing to miss there. But I DO miss the not so respectable job I had at Chills and Thrills as a stripper. I miss just hanging out with the girls- now we really do not see each other much at all, I miss just having people to talk to at any given time, I miss the dancing part because it was perfect weight loss and management program. Jesse says it was the attention and maybe that is a part but it isn't the main reason I miss it. Which I guess if i look at the big picture of always having someone to talk to then I guess it is a bit bigger part of the reason I miss Chills. The 20+ pounds I have gained are eating me alive when it comes to wearing clothes that look descent, never had a problem going shopping and having to chose clothes that cover up a fat role. Now I can not find really cute stuff anymore. I joined a fitness club to try to undo the damage this past year has done to my body, that is going to be slow in making a change but I worked out last night and felt worn down when finished. When I worked at the club I got worn down but that was after working from 5p to whenever we close up to 2am so big difference when I workout for 1 hour and feel like death. My muscles are screaming today and they are very loud and clear--- your ass out of shape (that what they telling me). I worked at Chills from Oct 07 to Jan 08 and lost 30+ pounds and I felt great. Now that I am packing the pounds back on I feel like shit and definitely not feeling sexy. I would like to get in and out of a shower without feeling like I need to run for cover. I want that feeling back that made me comfortable with my body.

Life In General

Well I have definitely had better weeks. I don't know it was just very exhausting... emotionally. Mind has definitely been over stimulated!!!! If you can believe it shopping did not help all that much. Although it did get some new clothes, shoes, make-up, got my nails painted ( and they look great), and got a membership to our new 24/7 fitness club. Which it seems everyone wants to at least try it out so I am finding it hard to get in there when the place is not packed. No, I will not go in when there are a million already Ethiopian chicks in there doing some power/ serious workouts that don't even need that much. I think they either anorexic or bulimic. No joke they look nasty skinny! Make a person feel even more depressed for eating just being around them.

Note to self-- If you want it done do it yourself or live my life!!!!

Yeah this Bipolar crap is getting out of control. I wish that it would just go away and I think life could be at least alright, but no it won't and I am going crazy living in not my kinda clean surroundings. I figure if I just get a space of my own to hide if necessary or chill out when necessary I would be fine. Still having that thought just still don't have a space to do either. I always have to be in the mix with everyone because there isn't a place for me to go and be alone. Hide from the mess or relax. I bet there never will be one for me either. Jesse has started doing the demolition phase of his new house about a week or a little more ago. It still is not a big enough place to get me a space or my kids for that matter, and yet he asks me if he gets a room for himself and his guy stuff. HUH that was what was going through my mind like are you crazy I do not get one my kids don't even have one and yet he think he need one. Funny I continue to tell him he got two homes for him and his but still no where for me and mine. It getting really old. He want to make additions onto the pre- existing home if he can purchase the property next to his home, yet the original got to be done first then buy the land and then build. I think Melvin be living in his own place before mom every get a place for him to stay. Maybe he let me live with him...

Mondays Suck!!!

I believe this has been the case since we were kids. Never did like Mondays and still don't have a real reason but I do know they suck. I hate even getting out of bed on a Monday. Seems no one wants to get motivated and I just want the world to go away today that what I do know. I had my morning rider cancel on me so I have no reason to be up and yet I am up and pissy. Never get to sleep in when I want to and that shit be getting very old. My man cant seem to get his own kids motivated or take care of his own shit anyway. Got to wake me up.

Busyness with cab and life

Well the cab has definitely had a great start to the new year. I can say I am very satisfied, since the 1st the cab has brought in a minimum of $100.00 per day. I can be hopeful that it continues to be this steady. Weather conditions are not an issue so far, thus far I have not gotten myself stuck anywhere. I am glad that the Chevy Lumina LS has been very dependable.
As for life, been kinda up an down in the aggravated level each day. Keeping busy with the cab but not getting along too well with the man. Hope things settle down soon. I don't like being so crabby and irritable with him but he sure knows how to get me going. Guess that's the only thing bothering me. I have messed up on a few rides (being in the wrong place). Regular customers are very understanding when I have to be late.. lol.

Trying to play catch up

Yup that me always trying to get things done I say i would do long before. Never seems to be enough time in a day. Cab was really busy yesterday which is not normal for a Wednesday but not complaining bout making money just the exhaustion that went with it since I wasn't really feeling well. Then I get a harebrained idea to make a ham dinner --- yeah the whole going out big dinner. It was good of course but at the same time I didn't make some of the dishes I had planned, got too tired and said forget it. I of course finished my chocolate cake as if i would go without it. NOT!!! Had only 4 hours sleep Tuesday night and real busy Wednesday but feeling refreshed this morning. Hope to get a bunch of stuff done today. God Jesse got up early and is on my nerve this morning.

Happy New Year- and yes my mood has started changing too!!!

Well it is now 2009. I can not believe it is. The past year has had a lot of ups and downs for me. Thank god Jesse was able to just get through each day with me, not sure how he stuck through it all. I know my moods got pretty bad and I didn't even want to live anymore. Christmas was not a very happy time for me but shortly after my mood started to shift and my mind started to slow down on all the bad stuff running through it. I closed the cab early on New Years and decided to get a little crunk with the rest of the world. Yeah and i did too. I started out with a simple bud light at home, that didn't last long. I went downtown and had about 5 jager-bombs then went to the shop party Jesse was supposed to be at. Nothing really entertaining going on there and i was feeling pretty good. Went home and had a few there. The only sucky part was at midnight I didn't get a kiss or a Happy New Year from Jesse. He was preoccupied having to watch his kids and then went out to his party without realizing I was alive. That is the Jesse I am used to. So I quit drinking at 1am and decided to relax. Needed to be up and around for scheduled cab rides at 8am. Yup I passed out completely. Got up and started my day on time and that was that. I would have liked to have had a little time with Jesse for New years but have gotten used to not getting it. I had lots of people who were disappointed that I did not run the cab but they were more disappointed that they did not get a chance to have a drink with me since I had actually taken a night to drink. It is weird- the cab and all. I figured having a cab was just that but my cab seems to be where all the people really get to talking and I get to know them at least a bit. It is kinda nice to know exactly who I am driving around for the most part and be able to hold conversations with them. God only knows I wouldn't really have anyone to talk to if I didn't have the cab going. It has been fun. It's had its up days and its down days but all in all it is a perfect job for me. I have been looking for another driver for my company to get me some free time from time to time just to relax or get things done at a more timely fashion. I believe I have found him too. I just have to actually hire him now. All background info came back spotless and he already has a chauffeurs license. He is the perfect candidate that has come forward looking for work. Well that about sums up my new years and the first couple of days in the new year.